40 hours and counting.

warning:  Big rant ahead.  read at own discretion. 

Ok, so I'm starting to freak out a bit now.  It is now about 8:30pm Monday night (Brissy time).  I am to be admitted to the hospital at midday Wednesday.  That's just under 40 hours to go.  In some ways it still seems too far away.  In other ways it is so close it is scary.  Most of me just wants to get this over and done with.  I'm sick of having a broken pacemaker and the crappiness that goes along with it.   I want it to happen tomorrow, not the next day.  but of course, then there's the part of me that wants to just run away and not have to deal with it at all.  

I have actually been doing really well considering.  I have been resting a lot and looking after myself, so when I do go out and about or whatever, I have looked and felt pretty good.  

This morning was like that too.  Was really pretty good.  Went for a cuppa with a couple of friends down at a local coffee and cake shop then went over to my parents place where I chatted to my parents, my sisters and family friend Sean, played with the baby, fed the baby (my sister's baby Arun) etc.  I was good, it was great, but it might have been too much.  Halfway through lunch, it hit.  the blood that had been in my brain was obviously needed at the stomach to help process the food.  Not much blood to the brain is not good.  I broke out in a sweat, my head felt like it was about to implode.  I had to get horizontal fast. so in the middle of lunch i suddenly said "excuse me" then got off my chair and lay on the floor directly next to it, with feet up on the chair.   Once I recovered a little I went for a lie down on a spare bed.  Mum got me a cold face washer and I went to sleep.  Thankfully, I was somewhere where I could do that.  I slept solidly for over an hour.  Mum came to check on me a couple of times and at one stage checked that I was still breathing, I was so still.  Dad went and picked up Rory from school for me (God bless my Parents) and thankfully by the time they got home, I was awake and in a better state.  

I've probably made all that sound worse than it was, but I will admit it was a bit scary.  It is those episodes that make me want to get this done with. 

 I hate this.  I know I should feel blessed that it is not worse.  I have a friend on Ravelry who is currently in hospital waiting for a new heart.  She has been in the same hospital bed for the last two months.  She gets to see her little boy only once a week.  And after that hour or so with him is so exhausted that she sleeps for hours afterwards.   I know that in a number of years, that could well be me.  I know that this might get worse eventually.  I should be happy that I am still up and about.  That I still am well enough to spend lots of time with my family and friends, even if I am a bit slow and tired.  

But it still sucks god damn it.  

I keep reading these things about sick kids or people and they say "oh, she was so brave.  She never asked 'why me?', or cried about it. "   Bullshit. I bet she did cry about it and wonder why her, she just might not have said it to you.  And even if she did cry etc, would it really make her less brave?  Is someone who does say 'why me' and cry, less of a person because of it?  I'm sorry, I'm human. Most of the time I do cope with this well.  Most of the time I just take it in my stride - It's just something I've gotta do, and I'll do it.  But there are times when I do ask "why me?" and cry about it.  Because I get sick of feeling so crappy.  I want to do what a lot of other people do.  My heart (both physically and figuratively) is tired.  It just wants to stop. It just wants a rest.  

But, I will keep fighting on.  'Cause I've got a wonderful family to support and to support me.  I have heaps of things in this life worth living for.  I will get through this and get through this well.  I just needed to have a "blahh" as my hubby says.  Have it all out, have a rant and then, as my darling boy (the little old man) says:  "mum, just build a bridge, and get over it!"  I will build and cross this bridge.  I will get over it.  

Thanks for listening.