In light of mothers day coming up on Sunday, Here are some of my thoughts on one aspect of mothering I call:
The Cutting of the Invisible Umbilical Cords.
I have this theory: Every mother and her child have many umbilical cords connecting them. (I know it might not be a very original idea, but hey, this one is mine.)
Only one umbilical cord is visible and of course that is cut just after the moment of birth and signifies the first separation between the mother and her child. From then on, the child must breath and live independently. But at this stage, there are still lots and lots of other invisible cords and the child cannot survive without the help of its mother. (ok, so some children do have to, but often the adult who becomes responsible for that child, suddenly also attains these invisible cords of love.) The child in question still has to be fed, clothed, carried, cleaned etc. This connects the mother to her child in a very special way.
As the child grows more independent, these cords are cut. Sometimes the cords are cut only one at a time, other times there seems to be times when quite a few are cut all at once. At each moment a cord is cut, the mother feels the loss. Sometimes only on a vague level, but often quite profoundly. Usually, the cutting of the cord corresponds with times of joy and achievement and so is often overlooked and the mother can't quite understand why she is feeling a bit sad and lost when she is supposed to be happy. The times of the cutting often happen at a "first" time or a beginning, but often beginnings signal the end of something too.
Let me give you some examplesof recognised moments:
1) The first walking steps - signifies the beginning of the child being able to move about on their own, without being carried by an adult. But it is also beginning of the end of the "baby" stage.
2) The first day of school (primary or high school)
These times are well known as both happy and sad times for the mother and understood as such. But what about all the other cords? When are they cut?
These are the "little" moments. The times when the child does something for the first time, but it almost goes unrecognised - not unrecognised by the mother always, but often by others.
We had one of these smaller events happen just yesterday (hence all the navel gazing today.)
Yesterday, Rory asked if he could go to the park nearby with one of his friends - Without an adult. And for the first time - I said yes. For many people this might not seem like such a big deal - especially since the park is really only yelling distance away he is nearly 9 years old. Many of us were younger than that even when we started hanging out with our mates, going for bike rides, exploring the bush or whatever. He needs to start doing this, it is a part of him growing up independent and adjusted, but for me, it was a big thing. I felt it profoundly.
At first, I couldn't understand why it felt like such a big deal. He was only going for a short time, it was only a short walk away and it was a safe area. Rory's a pretty smart boy, he'll work out what to do if he needs help - he'll come straight home. And I'll certainly hear him if he starts yelling and even if he starts crying - mothers can recognise their childs cry from miles away (well nearly).
Then I realised - a cord had been cut. It was a first, but it was also the beginning of an end. The end of a time that he has supervised "playdates" and the beginning of "hanging out with his mates". The end of his early childhood years. The end of his reliance on me to organise him his fun. All these things I am excited about. I am happy for him and for me. I've got him independent enough to feel comfortable doing this. He is growing and is relatively normal. I can be free again to be me and not so much Mummy. Hang on........ Not so much Mummy?!? am I ready for that yet? I thought I was. But.... I want to be mummy. This means he's growing up. He'll be a teenager before we know it. I know he'll always need me, and love me - but he won't need me in the same way. A cord has been cut. He is becoming his own person. I know this is a very good thing. But it is a little painful at the same time.
The cords are cut as the child grows. Cords continue to be cut even in the childs adult years - When the child starts and finishes uni, the first job, the first car, the first serious partner, gets married and has children of their own. Finally, not many cords are left. The child is fully independent from the mother. But there will always be at least one very strong umbilical cord left - the cord of a mother's love for her child and the child's love for their mother. This cord will continue to be connected even after the death of the mother or child. It can never be broken. When the other cords are cut, acknowledge the pain, celebrate the achievement but always remember the one cord that lasts forever.
So, here's to all the Mums out there - those whose first umbilical cord has been cut, right through to those who only have one left. Let us celebrate our children's independence, but also acknowledge each others grief and loss of that connection to our children. Let us support each other and let each other know that it is ok to feel a little sad at these very happy times.
Yours in Love, peace and joy
Jenny
